The Brink Of Insanity (or Pancakes and Portals)
by Maverick6
Summary: My fave fic by me! The gang is there, but they are transported to an alternate universe with a strange lord where they must fight to get home! But, they must fight in an unusual way. PG13 for language and adult themes. R&R! *CHAPTER 2 UP*
1. The Beginning

This fanfic is a story of the idea of the FF7 characters being introduced to certain video game icons. Well, here we go, into the brink of insanity.  
  
CHAPTER 1  
  
"The Beginning"  
  
Scene: Costa del Sol house, morning. The whole gang is eating. Well, not Aeris. To fill you in, she died and all. It is an average breakfast.  
  
Cloud: Hey, Barret, pass the pancakes.  
  
Barret: Git 'cho own goddam pancakes, beeyatch!  
  
Cloud: What the heck!? I just wanted some pancakes! *stands up* Just some freakin' pancakes!  
  
Tifa: Cloud, settle down, I'm sure-  
  
Cloud: I WANT PANCAKES!  
  
Cid: For God's sake, take my pancakes!  
  
*Cid throws his pancakes at Cloud's face*  
  
Cloud: Why you son of a-  
  
*A giant, black-and-purple, swirling appears in the middle of the table*  
  
Yuffie: Hey. Is that supposed to be there?  
  
*The portal starts sucking things in*  
  
Cid: Hey, my sausages! They were links, too.*sulks*  
  
Vincent: Uh-oh. I have a feeling we are all going to be slowly sucked into the portal, being spat out in an alternate universe where we must find our way home because a diabolical enemy wants our- no, the entire world's destruction!  
  
Yuffie: Dude, chill out.  
  
*The team is slowly sucked into the portal and spat out in an alternate universe.*  
  
Cloud: Where are we?  
  
Mysterious Voice: An alternate universe.  
  
Cloud: Where?  
  
Mysterious Voice: An alternate universe.  
  
Cloud: What??*quietly chuckles*  
  
Mysterious Voice: An alternate universe!  
  
Cloud: *snickers* I can't hear you!  
  
Mysterious Voice: GODDAMMIT, WE'RE IN A FRIGGIN' DIFFERENT PLACE!  
  
Cloud: Jeez, no need to yell! *begins to laugh*  
  
Mysterious Voice: Screw off. Anyway, this is Ersevinu, a generic alternate universe people use.  
  
Vincent: Ersevinu isn't Universe backwards.  
  
Mysterious Voice: Did I say it was? I didn't name this place!  
  
Yuffie: Looks like Teletubbyland.  
  
Mysterious Voice: Yeah, I get that a lot.  
  
Cloud: Wait a minute. Where is your body?  
  
Mysterious Voice: Oh yeah. Lemme finish. I am Zataran, the lord over this realm. I control who goes in, who goes out, and what goes on here.  
  
Yuffie: There's one of those bunnies.  
  
Zataran: Yeah, I know. I've tried getting rid of them. They won't go away. I just started leaving them alone. Oh yeah. I have brought you here-  
  
Vincent: If you are the lord of this realm, who named it?  
  
Zataran: The last lord!  
  
Vincent: Who was that?  
  
Zataran: Steven Pants. He became lord because I owed him some money, and I was broke, so I gave him this job and he changed the name!  
  
Vincent: Why don't you just change it back?  
  
Zataran: I have to fill out forms, and the Name Office is a hassle, and-  
  
Yuffie: The sun has a baby face!  
  
Tifa: Isn't Zataran a New Orleans-style cooking aid?  
  
Cid: Yeah!  
  
Barret: Oh yeeuh! Like Rice-a-Roni!  
  
Zataran: *booming voice* SHUT UP, THE ALL OF YOU! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL DIE!!!  
  
Cloud: Wait a minute. What?  
  
Zataran: That's right. I've brought the most annoying, strange, and somewhat evil characters here to annoy each other to DEATH!  
  
Cloud: Why?  
  
Zataran: Because I don't have anymore vacation time and I need SOME enjoyment!  
  
Tifa: What if we fail?  
  
Zataran: I make your world be destroyed by whatever you were fighting against. A literal Game Over. How sweet the irony! Ha ha ha!  
  
Vincent: I toldja so.  
  
Yuffie: Oh my God, it's that blue vacuum cleaner!  
  
Zataran: BE QUIET, O-YE-OF-LITTLE-ATTENTION-SPAN!  
  
*Lightning bolt comes down from the sky and zaps Noo-Noo, who explodes*  
  
Cloud: Hey, where's Red XIII?  
  
Zataran: He was the only intelligent one in the group, so I let him stay. Plus, he was on the crapper when the portal appeared, so he missed the bus. Well, good luck on your first opponent. Ha ha haaa!  
  
Cloud: This is going to be un-fun.  
  
Vincent: You mean, "not fun."  
  
Cloud: No-huh! Me means un-fun.  
  
How will our adventurers fare against the enemy? Well, I don't know. But you will if you read the next chapter!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own none of these characters, Squaresoft-, or Teletubby- related. I don't really want to, either. So, take THAT, Square and BBC! 


	2. The Maskman Cometh

This fanfic is the continuation of the last chapter. The game for you to play to understand the jokes is: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. If you want to understand all of the jokes in this chapter, go play that game. Now.  
  
  
  
CHAPTER 2  
  
"The Maskman Cometh"  
  
As our group walks along the winding, dirt path in a grassy field, they realize they are going to need help to get out.  
  
Cloud: I just realized we are going to need help to get out.  
  
Tifa: I wonder if Zataran will help?  
  
Zataran: No.  
  
Tifa: Oh. Why not?  
  
Zataran: I put you here! Why would I let you leave without facing anyone?  
  
Vincent: Because you are nice.  
  
Zataran: No I'm not.  
  
Vincent: Oh.  
  
Yuffie: I have an idea! How 'bout everyone gives me their materia and then Zataran lets us out.  
  
Cloud: What kind of a plan is that?  
  
Cid: I have a better one. How 'bout I beat the hellout of you, Zataran, and then we leave on our own?  
  
Zataran: I don't like that one. Think up a different one. Oh! It looks like your first enemy is arriving.  
  
*Link slowly walks over a hill, talking to himself*  
  
Link: Listen, if you didn't want to come, you shouldn't have been so annoyin- oh, hello!  
  
Cloud: Were you talking to yourself?  
  
Link: Oh! No, I was talking to Tatl, my fairy.  
  
Tatl: D-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Hello! I'm Link's friend Tatl!  
  
Yuffie: Why did you make that noise?  
  
Tatl: D-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! I alert people where I am so people don't ignore me.  
  
Yuffie: Well, stop it.  
  
Tatl: D-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! No! I like it.  
  
Yuffie: Stop!  
  
Tatl: D-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!  
  
Yuffie: Dammit, stop!  
  
Tatl: D-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!  
  
Yuffie: That's it!  
  
*Yuffie smacks Tatl down to the ground and stomps on her*  
  
Yuffie: Now who's the queen, beeyatch?  
  
Link: Yu think she was annoying, you should've met Navi!  
  
Cloud: Anyway. Why are you here?  
  
Link: Zataran said i wouldn't stop bothering people. I don't know what he meant. Hey! 'Ja wanna see what I can do?  
  
*Link puts on a mask*  
  
Group: Woah! A rock!  
  
Link: Watch this!  
  
*Link puts on a mask*  
  
Group: Woah: A plant!  
  
Link: And this!  
  
*Link puts on a mask*  
  
Group: Woah! An ugly fish!  
  
Link: If you liked that, wait 'til you see THIS!  
  
*Link puts on a mask*  
  
Group: *blank stare*  
  
Link: Huh? Huh? You like? Huh? I'm a postman! Like it?  
  
Group: We're leaving.  
  
Link: No! Watch! *slips on Keaton Mask* Cool, huh? It's all the rage in Hyrule!  
  
*The group walks away while Link chases after them.*  
  
Link: No! Come back! Here! *puts on Don Gero Mask* Look at me! I'm a frog!  
  
*Group continues to walk away*  
  
Cid: *suddenly turns around* Where do you keep those masks anyway?  
  
Link: Uhhhh...wellll...you see, the thing about that is...Ah! *runs away*  
  
Zataran: Oh no you don't!  
  
*Link suddenly flies back to the group*  
  
Group: Woah!  
  
Cloud: How'd you do that? Gameshark?  
  
Zataran: I did that. You can't just run away, you little pansy!  
  
Link: I'm sorry.  
  
Yuffie: Well, I guess we're off!  
  
Link: No! Don't leave! I'm lonely! Watch! *puts on a Darth Vader helmet* Luke, I am your father!  
  
Vincent: You don't even get that in your game.  
  
Link: Oh...wellll...it's because...Ah! *runs away*  
  
Zataran: Dude! Quit!  
  
*Link flies towards the group again*  
  
Zataran: Now, what did I say?  
  
Link: I'm sorry. I won't do it...Ah! *runs away*  
  
Zataran: THAT'S IT!  
  
*Link is lifted twenty feet in the air then smashed on the ground repeatedly*  
  
Link: Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Stop! Uncle!  
  
*Link is "dropped to the ground.*  
  
Zataran: Heh heh.  
  
Link: Ow. Well, since I did that for you, I can stay, right?  
  
Cloud: No.  
  
Tifa: Bye.  
  
*Goup walks away*  
  
Link: No! Come back! *puts on Majora's Mask*  
  
Majoralink: HA HA HAAA! I WILL CONTROL THIS UNIVERSE!  
  
Tifa: No you don't. *rips mask off Link*  
  
Link: Thank you. I am forever indebted to you. I must join your group.  
  
Tifa: No! *drop-kicks Link*  
  
Barret: C'mon, foos! Let's waste this beeyatch!  
  
Cloud: No. We have to annoy him to death.  
  
Barret: Well, SCREW dat! I'm gonna nuke his azz!  
  
Tifa: Stop it.  
  
Vincent: Yeah.  
  
Cid: Hey! Look at me! *puts on Majora's Mask* I'm Link and-  
  
Majoracid: (incoherent swearing)  
  
Tifa: Oh my God! I didn't think it was possible, but he's swearing more!  
  
Majoracid: (incoherent swearing) Stephen Baldwin (more incoherent swearing) and Tifa takes it up the (more incoherent swearing) you, Zataran!  
  
Zataran: I'd zap him with lightning, but I don't know what he said!  
  
Cloud: Ha ha! What he said about Stephen Baldwin is true!  
  
Majoracid: I WILL RULE THIS REALM! HA HA HA HAAA!  
  
Cloud: *raises Buster Sword over his head* I'll get it off him.  
  
Tifa: No! *rips mask off Cid*  
  
Cid: Whoa! I didn't even know some of those words existed!  
  
Cloud: One second: *cuts Majora's Mask in half with Buster Sword* All better.  
  
Link: Hey! I needed that to have a purpose to my game!  
  
Yuffie: *to Vincent* I bet sixty gil I can get him to kill himself.  
  
Vincent: *to Yuffie* You're on, Ninjaslut.  
  
Yuffie: Hey, Link, can I have your materia?  
  
Link: I don't use materia.  
  
Yuffie: Can I have your materia?  
  
Link: I don't have any.  
  
Yuffie: Can I have your materia?  
  
Link: No!  
  
Yuffie: Can I have your materia?  
  
Link: NO!  
  
Yuffie: Can I have your materia?  
  
Link: NO!!!  
  
Yuffie: Can I have your materia?  
  
Link: ZATARAN!!!  
  
Zataran: With pleasure.  
  
*Link is zapped by a lightning bolt, who turns to dust*  
  
Yuffie: *to Vincent* Fork it over, Vampire.  
  
Vincent: Damn you.  
  
Cloud: I wonder what'll happen where he's from?  
  
Scene: Clock Town, third day. The moon is crashing.  
  
Carpenter: *to self* The Four Giants will be coming out any time now.  
  
*moon advances*  
  
Carpenter: Aaaaany time now.  
  
*moon advances*  
  
Carpenter: They'll be here.  
  
*moon begins to crush buildings*  
  
Carpenter: Aaaaany second.  
  
*moon advances*  
  
Carpenter: We're screwed.  
  
Scene: Ersevinu. Back with the group.  
  
Cloud: So, that's one down.  
  
Yuffie: Hey, where's Cait Sith?  
  
Scene: Costa del Sol house, afternoon. Cait Sith enters and sees Red XIII in the kitchen.  
  
Cait Sith: I'm back with the milk! Hey, where's everyone? Red XIII, where'd the go?  
  
Red XIII: I dunno. I came out of the bathroom and they were gone. There's a portal on the table, though.  
  
Cait Sith: Wanna jump in?  
  
Red XIII: Hell yeah! I was just about to right before you came home!  
  
*Cait Sith and Red XIII jump on it and are sucked in*  
  
Well, what an excitement! Cait Sith and Red XIII have joined the deathmatch! Will they find the group? Who will they run into? Find out next chapter!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own none of these characters. I don't even own Zataran. I made him up without copyrighting him. I'm so pathetic and lonely. Help me, please! Okay, at least review it. 


End file.
